Saturday, March 27, 2010

Alone in a House Full of People

Do you ever feel alone? I find myself waiting all day for my kids to come home from school so I can see their sweet faces. My husband, Mark works 7 days a week, not always because he has to, but because that is what he knows. He comes home for supper most nights, eats, but then spends the rest of the evening glued to the TV with either video games with the kids or TV shows once the kids are in bed. I clear the supper dishes and listen to their happy voices float in from the living room.....and feel utterly alone. Now, it is just like all day. I am once again alone.

At 7:00 I call out, "Okay guys! Bed time in half an hour!" And am greeted by disbelief. "What?" they reply. "Half an hour!" But they relent. They know I am right, but I hate to always be the one to tell them. For once I'd like to be the fun parent. The one they laugh with.

I tried an experiment once. I left them playing and waited to see when someone would notice the time. The minutes turned to hours and by the time they noticed, the sun had faded away and the living room was plunged into darkness. 9PM. I waited...alone until 9PM before they realized that Mom hadn't come to get them for bed. It took them THAT long to notice I wasn't there.

It is Saturday today. One of the rare days where Mark actually came home before dinner and where is my family? My youngest is over at a friend's house and my older two and my husband are playing on the Wii.....and I am in the basement, alone on my laptop. They didn't even notice when I left the room. My heart breaks. "Let's go for a walk." I suggest. The sun is out and the day is glorious. "No. We want to play with dad and he wants to play Wii."

What do I do? My middle daughter, Molly, was supposed to have put her laundry away before her dad came home. I reminded her about it AGAIN and Mark said, "Don't worry about it. I came home to see them. I'll get her to do it before dinner." As odd as this sounds, the part that hurt was the part where he told me he came home to see them...them. I love that he loves his kids and, don't get me wrong, he is a good husband and he loves me...he just doesn't see me anymore...not really. I wash his clothes and cook his dinner and raise his children,share his bed - though not in the way I'd like to any more - but somewhere along the way I think he forgot how to love to nurture me. He forgot how to see me.

Thank God I have the love of Christ. He never forgets me. The Bible tells me he sings over me, He had carved me into the palm of His hand....He sent His one and only Son to die for me so that I might be in Heaven with Him one day. There is a line from a song by Casting Crowns that says, 'I know You're there. I know you see me.." I love it! I sing it all the time. God is enough. I'd like to say it can totally take the place of being seen and noticed by your husband, but some days are just harder than others. Today is one of them.

Dear God, thank you for always loving me. Thank you for always cherishing and listening to me. I believe you have made me special and you love me. Please help heal the lonely ache of my heart and help me to be the wife and mother You have called me to be. I love you Lord! In Jesus name. Amen

Friday, March 26, 2010

Here We Go!

Wow! This is so new to me. I am a 35 year old mother of 3 girls. I have been married for 15 years and love my husband like crazy (on most days). I spend most of my time at home doing housework, and just really wanted a way to connect with other Christian moms out there who may be struggling with some of the same things I do. I plan to keep my anonymity so I will be free to share personal things without judgement and I hope anyone who needs a place to share will feel the freedom to do so.

I pray that this will be something that glorifies God and supports other women. I was raised in faith and often struggle with certain issues. My biggest one for years was reading the Bible. I'd pick it up, and try, but by the time I'd waded through just a page or two I felt bogged down, and totally lost. Now, just to clarify, I consider myself to be blessed with a fair amount of intelligence, but I just wasn't getting much out of it. So, I read less and less until I gave up.

In May of 2009, my family and I moved to a new church and, determined to dive right in, I joined the ladies Bible study group. Now, I had - just like we all do - a particular lady on TV who drove me crazy to listen to: Beth Moore. I had never listened to what she was saying because the moment she came in with those big eyes and excited Southern accent, I'd jump right up and change the channel to something a little more toned down. Needless to say, when I walked in on my first day to Bible study, I just about fell over when they told me we were going to be doing the study on the book of Esther by Beth Moore.

I had to laugh! God has such a sense of humor! Here I was, passing judgement, saying, "I'll never do a Beth Moore study! I can't stand that woman!" And there's God saying, "oh ya? We'll just see about that!" Well, I am on my last week and I have to say the experience was so humbling for me. I have gotten to know Beth over that last 9 weeks and have been so blessed by her incite into God's Word. I have loved every step of it and I can even admit I will miss her enthusiasm (and her accent!)!

Last week my 13 year old daughter and I attended the Beth Moore convention in Toronto and was so blessed by it. Beside me on my desk now sits a library of Beth Moore studies just waiting to guide me through God's word. I guess that's all I needed. A hand to hold and take me through and explain things to me. Beth Moore has become my own personal Bible tour guide.

Okay. There is my first attempt at blogging and I just want to say I have been blessed by writing this. I pray that my fellow sisters in Christ will join me in this journey and we will be there to help support each other because I think we all need tour guides sometimes!